Test Your GOP Quotient. Are you fit to call yourself a republican? Should you have your citizenship revoked for lack of "true patriotism"? Take the test.
1. Name the most evil thing in this group.
a. Genocide
b. Disease
c. Obama
d. Famine
2. Last year's earthquake and tsunami were the result of which? (one answer is MOST correct)
a. Shifting crustal plates causing a massive slumping a few miles off shore from Japan, and an associated tidal wave.
b. God's wrath
c. A failure in Obama's economic policies
d. Obama's failure to address tectonic forces.
3. As a candidate for president you are asked about $1 million in fees paid to you while working as a "historian" for Freddie Mack during the worst economic crisis we have seen in modern times. Your BEST move to say which of these?
a. You are in a secure heterosexual relationship with only one woman.
b. The policies of this president are killing this country
c. Many common folk work as historians for Freddie and just because your office was on K Street and you introduced senators and congressmen to officers for Freddie while receiving your fees, doesn't mean anything, especially. Certainly not that you were actually functioning as a "lobbyist."
d. all of the above
4. President Rick Santorum is faced with a threat to "our way of life". His BEST response would be to...
a. Blame Obama
b. Blame Obama, bomb Iran
c. Blame Obama, bomb Iran, bomb Paris
d. Blame Obama, bomb Iran, bomb Paris, bomb Hollywood.
5. President Rick Santorum is posed a tough question on quantum mechanics. His BEST response would be to...
a. Blame Obama
b. Blame Obama, bomb Iran
c. Blame Obama, bomb Iran, bomb Paris
d. Blame Obama, bomb Iran, bomb Paris, bomb the Hadron collider near Geneva.
6. President Rick Santorum is faced with irritable bowel syndrome. His BEST response would be to.
a. Blame Obama
b. Blame Obama, bomb Iran
c. Blame Obama, bomb Iran, bomb Paris
d. Blame Obama, bomb Iran, bomb Paris, bomb the Hadron collider near Geneva, bomb Hollywood, bomb his own bowels.
7. President Rick Santorum is faced with a difficult economic crisis. His BEST response would be to.
a. Point out that his grandparents came from Italy.
b. Bomb the Hadron collider near Geneva, bomb Hollywood
c. Blame Obama, bomb Iran
d. all of the above
8. Which response BEST describes the party's feelings towards Ron Paul?
a. The X Factor candidate
b. Two Ron Pauls don't make a right.
c. Peace is not an option, Ron.
d. Why does he keep saying "end the fed"? What does that even mean?
9. Rank the evil in ascending order.
a. Hitler, David Duke, Easter Bunny, Obama, Hugo Chavez, Fidel Castro.
b. Easter Bunny, Obama, David Duke, Hugo Chavez, Fidel Castro, Hitler
c. David Duke, Hitler, Easter Bunny, Hugo Chavez, Fidel Castro, Obama
d. Hitler, Easter Bunny, David Duke, Hugo Chavez, Fidel Castro, Obama, Obama!
10. The accepted GOP plan for creating jobs is to...
a. Blame teachers, blame the gay community, end abortion, cut taxes on the rich
b. Take over government, make it meaner, hurt people, kill the middle class, screw the environment have a party.
c. Kill Bambi, club a harp seal to death, run over some nuns with a truck, shoot a bum out of the window of a speeding limo, go to church.
d. all of these
11. Being a job creator is which?
a. A rising entrepreneur who cares about the company he takes over.
b. Someone who gets tax cuts for creating jobs.
c. Someone who gets an erection by firing people.
d. A person who has no idea what he is doing with a super-massive company he is at the controls of, fires people on a whim, and uses tax breaks to fund swank vacations and lobbying junkets in the Cayman Islands where he hides his money.
12. The GOP's accepted line on NASA is...
a. Obama destroyed it. There's nothing there now. Nothing. It's like a ghost town. Dead things everywhere.
b. Obama physically came down to the Space Coast and dismantled it with a wrench and a bunch of goons related to Fidel Castro.
c. Obama came down to the Space Coast put up a chain link fence around NASA and started shooting at workers trying to get to work there.
D. ALL OF THE ABOVE
13. As a presidential candidate, someone calls you a corporate raider who has made billions by taking over companies and firing people. You also fill your days by moving money around. Your BEST response is to what?
a. Crawl off into a dark room and cower in fear.
b. Try to pretend you're the common man.
c. Say "I make NO apologies for being successful. It's the American way and I can't believe my fellow republicans are taking up the weapons of the left to hurt me."
d. Blame Obama before doing or saying anything else.
14. Which statement is MOST true.
a. Because Obama is black he is foreign, therefor doesn't share "our values."
b. Because Obama is black, Hugo Chavez is his friend.
c. Because Obama is black and he is president, we are now living under a system of socialism.
d. Obama is the "foodstamp president" because he is black.
15. When we say "he doesn't share our values" what we are really saying is what?
a. Obama is black
b. Obama is foreign AND socialist.
c. Obama is a Muslim
d. All of the above.
16. "Foodstamp president" means what?
a. Obama is black
b. Covert racism is an acceptable tool.
c. Overt racism works in South Carolina, and we're okay with that.
d. None of these
17. When we say "our values" what do we really mean?
a. Whatever we want it to mean at that particular instant.
b. Nothing.
c. Conservative Christian values.
d. none of these
18. Who was Jesus Christ? (One response is MOST true.)
a. A man who walked around with twelve other dudes, who hated homosexuals and people who didn't follow him.
b. The Son of a Merciful God, who hated everyone who didn't believe as he did and would agree with Rick Santorum on the need for a preemptive strike against Iran.
c. A man who didn't believe in Darwin.
d. Wasn't a democrat.
19. God hates who? (Best answer)
a. Gays
b. Non believers
c. Muslims
d. All non-white, non-Christian, non-republicans.
20. Your views on abortion are best described as...
a. Life begins at the end of my penis
b. Your uterus is mine to impregnate even by force if necessary, cousin.
c. Rape incest, okay by me, why not.
d. All of the above.
Bonus question for 5 extra points.
A real "family values" marriage is between whom?
a. A boy and his dog.
b. A man and a woman
c. Two loving partners
d. A man, a woman, and the man's concubine when necessary.
Click here for the answer key, grade and where you stand on the scale of "true patriotism".
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